The Dark

Seven months after Daddy died, so did Mom.

Dad’s sickness then death was sudden but Mom had been ready for a while. Mom was tired of fighting for breath and she wanted to die. She wasn’t scared of dying, only of suffocating.

We surrounded her as she lay on her bed at home when she ran out of breath. And that’s what it was like. No gasping. No struggling. No fear. Her breathing slowed…..a gradual peaceful stilling of her chest……….then her breath was no more.

Mom was gone. Mom and Dad were gone.

We sat in the same room at the same funeral home with the same young funeral director as we had 7 months earlier and I thought about how nothing was how I thought it would be.

Nothing.

But I thought about it as if I was looking on, separated from all of it somehow. Everything was muted……..kind of dulled………what I heard, what I said, what I saw, what I felt.

In between the deaths of my parents my marriage took another hit. We had been struggling for a while. It was already so fragile and I was really scared this time. A real kind of scared.

Maybe that was the last time I’d felt anything full-strength. Maybe a part of my heart shut down. Maybe the Zoloft was doing what it was supposed to do.

As I sat there with my sisters around that table choosing the hymns to be played at Mom’s funeral service I remembered comments Mom and Dad made. Some of them to me. Some to others about me.image

Mom and Dad had noticed my fading. My distance. I wasn’t myself and they were worried. I told them over and over that I was fine. I think I thought I was fine. I think I thought everything would be fine. But they saw what I couldn’t see.

The thing about fading is that it happens slowly. So slowly you don’t feel it or see it. It goes unnoticed at first. Then the heaviness gets heavier. The darkness gets a little darker. And you get used to walking around in the dark.

And I kept doing what I knew to do. What I had to do. Because the world doesn’t stop when your marriage is crumbling or when your Dad gets sick and when you just need time to think about things and feel things and mourn things. The world doesn’t stop.

Then it was heavier and darker and I was tired. The kind of tired that goes into my bones. I woke up ready for each day to be over.

As we reviewed the order of the funeral service, the words of one of the hymns came to mind:

O Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed

Then sings my soul, My Saviour, God, to Thee
How great thou art, How great thou art
Then sings my soul, My Saviour, God, to Thee
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

 

And I wanted my soul to sing again. I wanted to wonder again at all that God has made.

I’d not lost all hope. There was still some in there.

Because I knew……I know that abundant life is truly possible even in the darkest of places.

How great you are God, my Savior God to Thee, How great you are!

 

In response to the Daily Post’s Faded.

 

 

 

 

 

22 thoughts on “The Dark

  1. I am grateful for the way you described the slow fade that we all go through sometimes. We really believe that everything is okay…we’re just a little tired. Everyone else can see that somethings wrong way before we can!

  2. I never knew. I must have been a little checked out myself. But like you, I have found God to be faithful in the dark. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself Marie! It is appreciated.

  3. Your honesty about your “fading” is admirable. It is so hard for so many of us to admit that we are weak from suffering or “fading” because of that suffering. I am so glad you were able to grasp on to something that brought light and strength to you. Remember those all those worlds, stars, and thunder were created for us to live in the fullness of God’s grace. Take that grace and be full again. 🙂

  4. Wow, Marie! Thanks for being so vulnerable. I also noticed how the Zoloft seemed to damp down some of the emotional part of my chemistry. May I ask how recent this tale is? Could you share sometime any other lessons you experience as you moved through this time?

    1. Thanks Dawn. I’m out of the dark now but still processing and letting God do His thing. I decided to quit the Zoloft about 9 months ago after taking it for a little over 2 years. Mom passed away in January 2015. I definitely plan to write more about my journey.

    1. Thank you. I’ve had several of those moments and/or seasons…..when I wanted everything to stop while I got my bearings. It doesn’t work that way. Who knows how many hurting people we encounter daily who are experiencing that same feeling?

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